Hand Implications
by mavis-in-sweaters
Summary: "It's funny," Remus whispered, "that after pretending my mother was sick instead of telling you about my condition, my mother really does get sick. How comical." Remus's mother is dying, and Sirius lets go of his inhibitions. Remus knows what holding hands implies. RemusxSirius slash.


**I've been trying to finish this for weeks, but I finally managed to get it done tonight, the day before I go on school camp. To mirror my mood at the prospect of this camp, this piece is a little angsty, with death, and is possibly a bit shitty, so be forewarned. It's a little raw, there's probably spelling and grammatical errors all over the place, but it's readable. I'm sure I'll revise the end later, as there isn't nearly enough angst as I would have liked, but ah well, such is life.**

**Yes, this is RemusxSirius, so go away if that isn't your thing. There isn't actually any 'getting together', but there's pre-relationship stuff. **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.**

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><p>"Sirius, for the last time, you will not be copying my potions homework. You need to grow up and do some work of your own."<p>

Sirius pouted, grabbing Remus's wrist to hold him in place, before blinking down at his friend, his eyes round like a puppy's.

"But Moonshine, doing my homework is the highlight of your week! Just think, Moons, you can do it to pay me back for helping you with your furry little problem!"

Remus coloured. Though he wouldn't admit it, the fact that so much of his happiness and wellbeing depended on three animagi was a very sore spot for him. He knew very well that he could never pay his friends back for what they had done for him, and he thought it rather awful of Sirius to be treating the subject so lightly.

"Don't even go there Sirius," Remus growled, shaking his friend's hand off, before stalking away down the corridor at top speed. Sirius had to speed walk just to keep up with the boy, damn his werewolf superpowers.

"Sorry sorry, I didn't mean that, Remus," he amended, "it's just that the essay's due in tomorrow, 'cept I have a prior commitment, if you know what I mean."

"Unfortunately, I _always _know what you mean," Remus grumbled.

Sirius grinned maliciously.

"It's the canine affinity, Moonshoes."

"Whatever, you mutt. Anyway, I'm still not doing your essay. Maybe you'll finally learn some commitment priorities."

Sirius's chest swelled in incredulity.

"_Mutt? _No no no, Messr. Moony. How could you call me such a thing?"

"Oh, naff off, you berk. Go get a lark out of someone else, as I am very much not in the mood for your bullshit today, I need a break."

"It sounds like you're jilting me," Sirius laughed weakly.

"Yeah, like you've ever had a monogamous, long lasting romantic relationship in all your life," Remus replied sourly.

"Relationships are gross, though," Sirius protested.

Remus sighed in disapproval.

"I mean it though, Moony. There's so much weird staring, and… _handholding_."

Sirius said the last part as though it was the vilest concept imaginable.

"And whatever is wrong with handholding? Please do tell, I'm sure I'd be very interested in your educated opinion."

Sirius sneered at him.

"It's just… you're touching the part of their body that they use to pop pimples, and pick their nose and scratch their backside… and… _wank. _Plus, your hands would get all sweaty and gross after so much prolonged touching."

He shuddered heavily.

"You're just afraid of commitment, because you're scared that people won't be interested in you after they've jerked you off and realise that you aren't as charming as you pretend to be."`

Now Sirius really did look offended. His nose scrunched up, and his shoulders tensed.

"Merlin, what's up your arse today?" he said grumpily, his head turned pointedly away from Remus in a childish and stubborn gesture. Why Remus had been all pissy lately was a mystery to him.

Remus kept silent, hoisting his bag further up his shoulder, and walking a little faster. Hopefully Sirius would just take the hint, and let him walk to class on his own. Of course, he knew that the legendary Black stubbornness would allow Sirius to do no such thing. Sirius would take no consideration into the fact that Remus didn't really want to tell Sirius how much the thought of Sirius with someone else nagged at him.

"Moony, you've been… upset, lately, and I'm not talking about you not doing our homework. You've been… proper sad, and… it makes me sad too."

Remus put up what he called his 'casual indifference' mask.

"You're putting up the wall, Remus," Sirius warned.

"Wall?" Remus scoffed, "There's nothing wrong with me. You're just misreading me, as usual."

Sirius started to lose his temper. One of the things he would not stand for was Remus downplaying their friendship, and acting as if Sirius didn't know what every emotion on Remus's face meant, acting as if Sirius wasn't completely in tune with Remus's body language, acting as if Sirius didn't think the world of him.

"Misreading?" he asked, his voice rising in volume and intensity, "Let's see if I'm _misreading_ you. Yeah, you have your poker face up, and it's pretty cracking good, but I can tell when it's fake. Your hands are shaking, see? That means you're angry, or scared. Probably both. You've been getting letters from home recently, and when you read them your hands go all shaky. Something's wrong, isn't it? Something at home? And then, of course, there's the slight detail that you haven't looked me in the eye for a bloody month, and you can't seem to be in a room alone with me. You've got some sort of tiff with me; maybe you're sick of my company, maybe not. I wouldn't know, because you never _tell _me anything, even though I'm your goddamned best friend. Now, you look me in the eye, Lupin, and tell me that I'm misreading you."

Remus spun so that he faced the dark haired boy, halting Sirius in his tracks, who nearly collided into his chest.

"You're misreading me," Remus replied determinedly.

"You are a goddamned fucking liar, Remus Lupin. You're hiding something."

"Maybe," Remus said airily, stalking off, "But if there was, s'not like I'd tell you."

Sirius blinked away the angry tears that had formed, counted to ten, before slowly following the direction Remus had walked in. Remus was just so… so determinedly independent, not to mention untrusting. Sirius supposed he had his reasons for not trusting people, but not trusting _him? _Sirius had been his goddamned best mate for nearly six years now, had overlooked his condition, and had been more of a confidante to him than his own parents.

But no. Remus still had to lock things up and suffer because of it.

Sweeping into the classroom with a hard set jaw and over-exaggerated stomps, Sirius spotted James and Peter sitting together, before pointedly ignoring the free seat next to Remus, and taking the seat next to Lily Evans.

"Black," she hissed warningly, "If you've done _anything _to upset Remus-,"

"Oh shut it, Evans," he snapped, knowing that Remus would have heard, what with his super werewolf hearing. Remus's bony shoulders were hunched awkwardly as he wrote furiously on a piece of parchment. He folded it carefully once he had finished, before hesitating, the parchment held between his fingers.

Only once Professor McGonagall had told them to partner up with the person next to them and practice turning turtles into handbags, did Remus stealthily levitate the note onto Sirius's desk.

The still pouting animagus looked up, his eyes settled on Remus as he opened the piece of parchment.

_Pads,_

_There's something I have to tell you. You were right, I am hiding something, and yes, I am afraid of how you'll take it. I'm also hiding something else, about my family._

_Meet me after class? I'm sorry for being a berk._

_-M_

A tiny smile gripped the corners of Sirius's lips. He looked up at Remus and nodded, before staring down at his turtle with a smirk on his face.

* * *

><p>Sirius yelped as a hand grasped his, pulled him down the hallway and into the nearest broom cupboard.<p>

"What the-," Sirius cried, as he brushed his bangs out of his face and looked up at Remus, who looked rather surprised at his uncharacteristically assertive actions.

"Why Remus," Sirius smirked, "A broom closet? How fruity and indecent of you."

Remus flushed, and pressed his back against the back wall of the closet, sighing and rubbing wearily at his scarred cheeks. In a rare moment of concern, Sirius touched a hand against his friend's shoulder, and the other against his cheek, angling Remus's face so he could see his eyes.

"What's up, Moony? I am sorry for everything I said, you know."

"I know. I'm sorry for the things I said too."

Sirius pulled Remus in for a hug, subtly angling his face to press against Remus's neck so he could breathe in his scent. He swore up and down that it was the canine side to him. He held Remus like that until he began to feel him quivering like a frightened mouse. Sirius couldn't care less what they'd look like if someone stumbled in. He was just glad to be able to comfort Remus like this. The werewolf had been strangely averted to such intimate contact since fourth year, and if this was the only time where Sirius could hold his friend while he was hurting, he'd take it.

"My mum's sick, Sirius," Remus whispered against his neck, the words tickling against his skin and travelling to his chest, where they settled like a dead weight on his heart. Not Remus's mother. _Please no, _was all Sirius could think. _Please don't hurt him even more._

Remus's arms tightened around Sirius's chest, his shoulders shaking with suppressed pain.

"Remus," he whispered, "You need to stop holding yourself back. Cry."

And Remus did cry. His pretty brown eyes turned red, and his tears traced the hollows of his nose and cheeks as his hurt finally escaped him in choked cries. Sirius tugged him gently to the floor, shifted him into his lap, and stroked his hair gently. For good measure, Sirius cast a silencing charm on the closet. He didn't want anyone to barge in. If Remus didn't let his emotions out now, then they'd just be bottled up again, and Sirius would once again be at a loss as to what to do.

Sirius couldn't be sure how long they sat there in the broom cupboard, but it must have been a while before Remus finally quietened his cries, and spoke.

"It's funny," Remus whispered, "that after pretending my mother was sick instead of telling you about my condition, my mother really does get sick. How comical."

Remus hiccupped at 'comical'. Sirius smiled softly.

"She's bloody brilliant, Remus. I always liked her, and she actually likes me, which was a surprise. A angel, your mum is."

Another tear tricked down Remus's cheek.

"But listen, Remus. You're bloody brilliant too, and you can _tell _me this sort of thing. It kills me to know that you've kept this inside you for Merlin knows how long, especially when I get how it feels to lose a mother."

"I know," Remus mumbled.

"We all care about you, yeah?"

Remus nodded, pressing his face into Sirius's chest. He attempted to ignore the funny feelings that blossomed in his chest, which only intensified as Remus's fingers curled into the locks of his hair.

"You said there was something else you had to tell me," Sirius muttered.

As if he had uttered a spell, Remus stiffened in his lap, and awkwardly untangled himself, standing up and giving Sirius a clear view of his tear tracked face.

"It doesn't matter anymore," he said, wiping his cheeks and moving to exit the closet.

Sirius groaned heavily, tugging Remus back by the arm, but not by the hand, because handholding was vile.

"I literally _just _talked to you about opening up to me. Secrets aren't healthy."

Remus refused to look at him, his face turning a violent shade of red. His hand rested on the doorknob, as he chewed his lip with a vengeance.

"Remus," he prompted quietly.

"I'm gay," Remus whispered at empty space, "I'm completely and utterly bent."

And then, while Sirius was too busy remembering all the times he'd caught Remus admiring Gideon Prewett's bum, Remus twisted the handle and slipped out into the corridor, leaving nothing but the tears that had dampened Sirius's robes, and a confession which tickled Sirius's chest in a way he couldn't exactly explain.

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><p>For the next few weeks, dynamics between the Marauders carried on as usual, though Remus spoke no more to Sirius about what he had confessed in the cupboard, even though Sirius often made attempts to corner him.<p>

"Pete," said Remus to Peter one day, "The healers said that mum doesn't have much longer."

In fact, Remus's mother was mere days away from her death. Remus hadn't told this to James and Sirius, because he knew exactly what their reactions would be. James would try to drag him along on his outlandish and most likely illegal pranks, and Sirius would just hug him for four hours and insist on buttering his toast in the mornings. Not that he didn't appreciate the attention, but at that moment, he needed Peter's wise counsel.

"Gee, I'm sorry mate," said Peter, "Want a chocolate frog?"

"Thanks Pete," Remus said, his voice watery.

* * *

><p>Remus's mother died five days later, with Remus and her husband at her side. Remus would never tell his friends that he'd cried by her body for hours, and when she had been removed from her white hospital bed, he sat there in stunned and painful silence for nearly five hours more. He felt like his emotions had been dammed up for years, and his barrier had finally broken. His mother was dead. Dead. Not alive. Gone.<p>

It was such a difficult concept to understand, that his mother would never again speak to him, or reprimand him, or meet him on Platform 9 ¾ after a gruelling term of school. She was gone, and she wasn't coming back.

When Remus returned to Hogwarts after five days of sitting by his dying mother, to ask his friends to accompany him to his mother's funeral, he was met with a fuming Sirius at the entrance of the sixth year boy's dormitory.

"And where the bloody goddamned Merlin have you been, Remus Lupin? I was worried sick!"

Remus dropped his hastily packed bag at his feet, and Sirius stopped his glowering for a second to take in his friend's appearance. Un-tucked shirt, ruffled and unwashed hair, bloodshot eyes and peeling lips.

"She's dead, isn't she?" Sirius whispered, to which Remus nodded, and wiped his eyes. Sirius wrapped his arms around him securely, and Remus laughed inwardly, because he was completely correct in assuming he'd be there for the next hour.

When the other two came out, Peter whispered something into James's ear. Peter handed him a bar of chocolate, (Honeyduke's best), and James's eyes watered, his glasses fogging up.

"When's the funeral?" James asked.

"Tomorrow," Remus answered, "I was wondering if there's any chance you'd all… be there for me?"

All three of them gave him a look that said, _well, duh. _Usually he'd smile at that, but his mouth muscles had somewhat forgotten how to move.

"Of course, mate," said Peter.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," said James.

Remus looked to Sirius.

"We'll be right next to you," Sirius promised.

* * *

><p>The funeral was awful. The weather was lovely: grey and unassuming, but the rest of it made Remus want to slit his own throat. There weren't a whole lot of people there, the Lupins had never been the sort of family to get out much, but the ones who were there were all dressed in depressing black clothes with silly flowers that made Remus's nose itch. Remus sat in the very back pew, hunched over with his arms resting on his thighs. No one approached him, but he could hear the whispers circulating about him.<p>

One of the very worst things was that his dad didn't show up. Not for the start, the middle, or the end. He didn't turn up fashionably late, and he wasn't found crying in the bathrooms. He just didn't show. He wanted to avoid Remus to the extent that he'd happily miss his own wife's funeral.

It hurt Remus almost as much as his mother's death.

Though his father didn't turn up, his friends did. The sight of them made him smile for the first time in days. Peter bumbled in shyly, wearing dress pants, suspenders, and a white cotton shirt that was actually doing a favour to his portly belly.

James's long sleeve dress shirt and black-buttoned vest looked, (dare Remus admit it), rather dashing. He had even attempted to comb his hair, which made Remus's chest feel warm. James hated combing his hair.

Sirius was obviously the counterpart of James. He was wearing the same shirt and black-buttoned vest, although his trousers were the slightest bit tighter.

The thing that really made Remus smile was the fact that all three of them were wearing colourful but respectful bowties. It was a cheerful addition to the already miserable funeral, although Remus could see more than one person glance at his friend's outfits with distaste.

James's bowtie was decorated with Christmas holly, Sirius's was patterned with tiny flowers, and Peter's was a mousey grey. Even from the distance, Remus could see that the bowtie was furry, like a rat. No doubt James had threatened to castrate Peter if he didn't wear it.

The three of them smiled reassuringly once they had caught his eye. Sirius had to apologise to one of Remus's aunts for nearly knocking her over because he moved in such a hurry to reach him.

"Hey Moonshine," he said, sitting down on the pew and bumping his shoulder gently against Remus's.

"Thanks for coming," Remus said, smiling a little and bumping Sirius's shoulder in return.

James took the seat on Remus's other side and ruffled Remus's hair in what he must have imagined to be a comforting gesture.

"Hey Remus, alright?"

"This is the worst bloody funeral I've ever been to," Remus said in all honesty, "My dad wrote me to say he wouldn't make it."

"What a tosser," Peter commented. "Wotcher, Moony."

"Hey Pete. It's good to see you."

James tapped his bowtie with pride.

"Whadd'ya think of the accessories, Moony?"

Remus smiled widely, shaking his head in amusement.

"They're probably the most comforting things I've seen today, much better than apologies from relatives I don't even know."

Sirius was still fuming.

"I can't believe your own bloody father didn't show. What an utter bastard," he hissed.

Remus smiled at Sirius's loyalty. To be honest, he wasn't exactly angry with his dad, just disappointed. Still, it was nice to know that Sirius cared enough about him to be angry on his behalf.

"Well, you three showed up, and that's all that matters to me," Remus said, eyes on his fingers.

Sirius sniffled, and all three Marauders spun to face him.

"Mate," James said, astonished, "Are you crying?"

"No," Sirius said gruffly, "M'fine. Anyway, we brought you something, Remus."

Remus raised his eyebrows. Funeral gifts. How fun.

Sirius dug his hand into his trouser pocket, pulling out a fourth and final bowtie. It was a pale pink, and had the tiniest hint of white lace on the ruffles.

Remus started to laugh, and found that he couldn't stop. He doubled over, his laughs muffled into his trousers, while James and Peter started to guffaw along with him. Sirius smiled warmly, overjoyed that Remus was okay enough to find amusement in the dainty little bowtie.

"Did you- did you actually get me a pink one on purpose?" Remus choked out, a smile still on his lips.

"Maybe," Sirius said, smirking, "I thought pink would look good on you."

"Maybe the pink, but I think the lace was a bit of a wild leap."

"That's what _I_ said!" Peter cried, flinging his hands into the air in annoyance.

"Here, I'll put it on you," said Sirius, looping it around Remus's neck, and proceeding to move very close to tie it up. It felt like a strangely intimate thing, coming from Sirius. Remus knew that his friend was much more accustomed to ripping other people's clothes off, rather than putting them on, so he felt strangely privileged.

"There," Sirius crooned, finishing with a flourish, "Doesn't he look handsome, James dear?"

Remus rolled his eyes, while James laughed.

"We have a child here, Black!" James squealed in horror, clamping his hands on Peter's ears, "Keep your activities appropriate!"

Peter swatted James's hands away, mumbling something about, '_off their nutters', _and '_crackpot old deer'._

With Sirius's hand resting comfortingly on his thigh, and his friends exchanging friendly banter, Remus could nearly forget about the reason they were all there. Not quite, but nearly.

Remus had been smiling before, but now he was crying, and there was little he could do to stop himself. His friends stood as close to him as they could without it seeming strange, as they all walked in a solemn procession to the graveyard where his mother was to be buried. James's jaw was clenched, Peter's mouth trembled, and Sirius's eyes were sad.

When they reached the graveyard, and Remus's mother was slowly being lowered into the earth, his friends stood back a bit, something of which he was grateful. Yes, he needed them here, but this was his last moment to say goodbye. He had to do this part alone.

"Bye mum," he mouthed silently, "I love you. Stay with me. Please."

While relatives cried, Remus's tears fell silently, though his body trembled with grief. He'd never dreamed of losing his mother so early in his life. He'd hoped that she'd meet his future partner, that she'd meet his future children. But now she never would. There'd be photos of her on the mantelpiece, her possessions would linger in the attic, but she'd never be there in person, and Remus could hardly bear it.

When it was done, Sirius came forward to stand next to him. They both stared out at the sea of graves, where the old stones crumbled, their engraved words fading, and the names on the new stones stood out harshly, the pain of their passing still fresh. The breeze was a bit nippy, Remus felt rather sorry for Sirius, who was shivering in his thin cotton shirt.

"Have my coat," Remus said, shrugging out of the brown old thing.

"No, you have it," Sirius protested vehemently, catching Remus's wrists to stop him.

"But you're cold."

"I'd rather freeze to death than you be the least bit chilly."

"How romantic, Sirius, I'm swooning."

"You'd better be."

Silence fell for a few minutes, before Remus said, "If you won't take it, then can you at least share it with me?"

Sirius eyed the coat. It was very large, no doubt once belonging to Remus's bear of a father. He nodded, and Remus shrugged it off, draping it around both their shoulders. It was much warmer with their shared body heat, though Sirius felt vaguely jittery at the closeness. Still, it wasn't exactly a bad feeling.

They began to walk up the path back to the chapel, where Remus's aunt and uncle on his father's side had prepared coffee and scones. As they walked, Sirius had a strange urge to do something, something desperately important, though he wasn't quite sure what acting on it would mean.

It was only when Sirius could see the teary look return to his friend's eyes that he finally gave in, and grabbed Remus's hand, holding onto it with the intention of not letting go.

Remus jumped, though no words were said. Remus was all too familiar with Sirius's aversion to holding hands, as he deemed it too intimate, too vulnerable. However, if Sirius was able to give up all his inhibitions to take Remus's hand now, then really, Remus mused, what more needed to be said?

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading, I really do appreciate it!<strong>


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